![Love & War [Solid Snake & Meryl Silverburgh Fanlisting]](images/fanlistings/mgs_snake&meryl.jpg)
![Foamy Fans [Foamy The Squirrel Fanlisting]](images/fanlistings/foamycode4.jpg)
Any moment now, it could happen any moment now,
I am going to be physically sick.
Is this how it feels?
When your life comes crashing down?
Do you look up or down?
Forwards or backwards?
Where to go and what to do,
No easy choice,
No quick fixes.
All my well laid plans; ambitions, hopes and dreams,
Oh how so easily they can fade away.
Sink or swim, sink or swim…
Make a decision,
Choose wisely.
No regrets,
Take a new path,
Don’t make the same mistake twice, thrice…
It’s about taking the new path,
Signposted ‘not a victim of circumstance’.
Roll with the punch,
Keep moving,
Look forward,
Make a change,
Never look back.
Sink or swim, sink or swim…
Choose wisely.
£270 ticket to the memory of unbidden fears
I’ve done a few things lately which I think are important steps in my life – I wonder how they will pan out and if they will hold the significance for me I so desperately seek. I always felt like I was floating through this existence, never really having much control over what happens in it and whether or not I will survive to the end. I have often said here and wondered to myself that I will not live a long time, that I feel a short life is probably on the cards for me – I don’t really know why I feel like that, but I have always felt this strange cloud over me; like I knew deep down that old age, a career, driving, marriage, kids, holidays abroad and meeting new people were not on the cards for me.
Life was not on the cards for me.
Yet, I find myself achieving these things one by one, and I start to question where that feeling came from, why do I deny myself the chance to hope for something bigger, something better. I suppose when my dad died I first questioned the fleeting nature of human existence. One day you are here; making a difference – a solid undeniable presence in the universe and then next day a memory of what once was – a puff of smoke; a breath of air; nothing but the buzzing of synapses and neurons in the brains of others.
I felt this dark presence in my life before then, but that event solidified it, brought it to the forefront of my thinking to the point that I question my motives so frequently I sit here writing this blog post now wondering at the gravity of it all. Why do I think this negative crap about myself – seriously, there is no way in hell I could ever possibly know whether or not I will achieve anything or not achieve anything in my life. No one knows! I can aim and fight and know that I will do that; but I couldn’t possibly know in advance of today whether or not I was going to die young, or never get married. It’s self-indulgent rubbish.
Worse than that, it’s self-destructive rubbish. I don’t like to think of myself as having a future, I don’t want to hope for something that might never be – but I think that’s part of being human; the struggle for something better. Here I am today, on my way to finishing the second year of my degree one of the top students in my class; I can finally drive; I have a lovely car; I have friends albeit not that many; I have things I love and ambitions to achieve. I’m only 27 and yet I feel I sometimes look at the world as if I’m 87; a life gone by already – waiting for the end.
I think a big part of that is that I don’t feel as physically able as others, which is part of the big change I have made just recently. I want to be fit, attractive, healthy… I won’t deny it, I’m only human. Who doesn’t want to feel healthy, happy and desirable? Although my sense of desirability is a warped one in which I like the idea but in practice it scares the hell out of me. I recall when I was a teenager, around 18 or 19 that I had my first boyfriend and things (for a short time) felt absolutely perfect. I was confident, outgoing, I saw my friends and they enjoyed my company – I was living in this bubble of happiness where I wasn’t that sad, lonely person I used to be. Men used to approach me on the street – no word of a lie – and ask me out. The one that sticks in my mind the most was when a particularly attractive charity worker asked me if I could donate (I think he was working with the NSPCC) and when I said I didn’t have any spare change on me, he then said, “how about meeting me for a drink later instead?”
Honestly, I think the only reason I remember this guy and the others not so much is because he was good looking. How shallow does that make me? 
I remember feeling quite excited to be able to say, sorry I already have a boyfriend. It was nice in a strange way to be “hit on” by an attractive man, but I think I was most excited to be able to genuinely turn him away! “Lucky bloke.” The attractive charity worker said smiling at me as he turned around to continue preying on shoppers for their spare change.
My best friend was with me when this happened, so I even have a witness to these events.
Back then I wasn’t skinny but I wasn’t “fat” either, I was… average? Curvy average? I realised then that given some confidence and nice clothes I could attract men, and it’s something that has scared me ever since. Another instance was when a rather tall man (this is all I recall about him) asked me for my number at a bus stop. A bus stop! I remember feeling quite threatened and scared, I again parroted the “sorry, I already have a boyfriend” line and off he went. There was another time which I don’t like to remember before I was with my first boyfriend which is possibly the root of my fears, where this man sat next to me (again at a bloody bus stop) and was talking to me at first, nicely enough, and then put his hand on my leg and tried to kiss me. At this point I had never kissed a man, and thus I went a bit “deer caught in headlights” and let it happen. This is quite a shaming part of my life experiences. A few seconds later I managed to snap out of it and push him away, he was trying to get his arm around me and he asked if I get the bus there regularly, I said no (lying) and then a bus turned up – not my bus – but I lied and said it was, and wriggled free. He shouted that he would be there next week, I said ok – he asked if I would meet him and I said, “maybe” and got on the bus and I never saw him again.
I think I had about 5 showers that night; brushed my teeth over and over and kept washing my hands. I remember vaguely thinking how awful it must be for rape victims – the level of violation they feel and what that must be like if I reacted like this just to being touched by some random stranger and having him force his tongue down my throat. It’s not a memory I even like to bare thinking about… I never told anyone about it either – in my mind I rewrote my memories so that my first boyfriend was my first kiss and I remember that perfectly. This event at the bus stop? Until writing this it hadn’t crossed my mind in literally years.
So yes, the big change for me was to become fitter and healthier so that I might feel more attractive as a woman, but also so that I might be healthier and put these “I’m going to die young” fears to rest. But that prospect holds many fears that I will have to deal with as time goes on I suppose. Hopefully I will have to deal with it! I joined the gym and spent £270 on a full year membership including full access to everything; gym equipment, swimming pool and classes. Hooray for student discount, as the normal annual full price is well over £400. Now to see if I will use it I suppose. I certainly hope so after what I spent on it; but it’s the fear of going there alone I think. No safety net, no one to talk to and block out the sniggers and stares. Hopefully I won’t have to deal with that; everyone I met was friendly enough at the induction. I will aim for using the place on Friday after my client work, and Tuesday and Wednesday after college. I will probably try and throw in some swimming on the weekend and after I feel comfortable look into the classes they have going.
It’s a start to a bigger plan… a plan to stop imagining my life being short and aimless, a plan to feel comfortable in my own skin and unafraid of men… a start to being myself – governed by me and not by unwelcome fears and baseless anxieties.
Cross your fingers for me. 
Have you ever blogged to be somebody? Did you blog to show the world you had something to say and that it was deep and meaningful? Did you want to prove that your words were worth reading and that people would enjoy them and rejoice in them; revel in them and return to them even after the page turns cold to greedily consume them again.
Did you want to show that beneath it all, there was a person who saw – truly saw the world – and didn’t hold back. Who was quick and concise, could make you feel a melody of emotions with a few simple words; could make you contemplate for hours on their every fickle fancy.
I never blogged to be popular, or to gain any kind of recognition or fame – I blogged to feel better about a life so ordinary that sometimes only in the written word I could make it exciting and alive to me – I could live in a world where my introspections mattered; because to me – they do.
Sometimes though, I see the worlds and thoughts of others and wonder how they do it… how they construct their world into a place others wish they could be – they are people others wish they were. Even in the simplest action – like making a ring out of a scrabble tile; quoting a long dead and unknown philosopher; taking a simple statement and bringing it to life – what mysterious minds conjure up these ideas and what is yearning in the minds of others who see that as desirable?
Honestly, I blogged to feel better about myself. But it seems sometimes reading the blogs of others makes even the world in my head seem ever empty and never quite good enough… and so I continue to reach for whatever it is I am seeking with these words full of meaning for me and yet hold nothing for you.
It’s that time of the year again…
Essay season – this is what I had dubbed the month of November every year at uni, because that’s when all the lecturers think it’s funny to have us hand in all our work in the space of a few weeks. (Oh you’re so funny, you guys! ). It’s also the reason why I have all but dropped off the face of the Earth when it comes to blogging. I find it difficult to blog these days, I’m busier so you’d think I would have fun things to talk about but honestly, I find harping on about how great life is a bit tiresome. I’d rather just experience it and be happy in the moment.
I tend to write in my blog as a way of venting frustrations or noting down thoughts I don’t want to forget – whether it be something profound or a burning fury I want to remember so I can avoid feeling like an idiot when the inevitable guilt sticks its foot out in my path.
November was a tough month last year (how scary is it to think it’s now 2010??), I’m not really sure how I managed to pull myself together enough to get some words written down in coherent sentences and then handed in as essays. I am quite terrified this year; last year it was scary but exciting – I kinda knew I had done well, I put so much work into it and researched everything down to the letter making sure I had included everything and then some. But this year if I give myself pause for long enough I start to feel a creeping panic as I ponder whether or not I did enough, if I researched enough, if I didn’t try to wing just that little bit too far. It’s a scary prospect to fail – to have to redo something I really don’t want to redo.
What is even more dramatic now that I am into my second year as opposed to last year is that people are dropping out. We were told it would happen, but I guess everyone walks in with that slight arrogance of thinking “it won’t be me” and vaguely wondering to oneself which ‘weakling’ will be the first to drop. Now that I have experienced a semester of the second year I can see how this stuff could topple even the most dedicated student. It doesn’t really have much to do with being weak, but more about whether or not you really can put your life on hold for 3 years. Some people just have other priorities; some people just have other dreams that mean more to them.
What more than terrified me about it, was that the least likely person dropped out – the one who seemed most into it, most fixated on the goal than anyone else. I have wondered from time to time if I can make it to the end of this, if I can remain focused on the end result for another year and a half… and when I ask myself that question I know that I can, without having to think too much. I don’t have a boyfriend, husband, house or children to really consider. I do have an annoying debt but it’s hardly an obstacle. I don’t really have particularly close friends anymore; my closest friend moved to South Korea – which is irony at it’s best. (Actually no, irony at it’s best is the fact that I have never met my closest friend face to face and that he moved to South Korea!) So I don’t have an excuse, if I dropped out I don’t know what I would do with myself; if I could continue living as such a disappointment to myself and my family – I try not to think about it.
Instead, I spend my days on my own mostly. I play games, watch DVDs and read books. I ponder life and take long drives at 3am listening to 70’s music. I don’t really know anyone who would want to spend time with me doing what I do. I’m a lonely person, but a personality which seemed to thrive on my own company has taught be to be tough about it and to distil enjoyment out of solitude. I try, at least.
There was a time when I felt no qualms about being alone most days, but as I’ve gotten older and moreso in the last 2-3 years I’ve began to feel truly miserable in my own company. I call my best friend randomly and ask if she wants to come driving with me, or if I can come over to her flat because I have no one else to call, and nothing better to do. It’s pathetic really.
I spend a lot of time with my mum, but that gets irritating at times, she is a scatterbrained thing and lately worrying about her health distracts me from just enjoying her company, though not always.
I was looking forward to Christmas this year as I do every year, expecting joy and excitement like I was a child again and always being so surprised by the disappointment of the anti-climax of the day. Christmas is such a massive anti-climax; I remember in childhood thinking that Christmas was the most amazing day – I would be dying to get to that wondrous morning so I could open all my fantastic presents and yet when it came, and then the moment was gone, I always felt this odd melancholy… Christmas was over and in a few days the world would be back to it usual self again – the magic was gone. I realised as I got older that it was the build up to the day that I loved most; that Christmasy feeling in the streets in my house, amongst my friends…the spirit of the season I suppose. It meant much more to me than the presents on Christmas day.
It’s been a strange few months, and I hope that this puts an end to my blogging avoidance, but I suspect it might not. I do have things to say; just when I come to say them a real lazy fog of indifference hangs over me and I find it incredibly difficult to sit down and write.
However, so as not to miss my thoughts and experiences since September/October… here is a brief list:
1. I drove 5 hours from Essex to Sheffield and then Sheffield to Liverpool through the hills of the Peak District like I was on an episode of Top Gear. Although there was masses of spray which scared the living daylights out of me as I couldn’t see very far ahead of me and I was travelling at around 65mph. Scary!
2. Saw two Muse gigs up North; absolutely fantastic! Although new pet hate is people with cameras.
3. View on the first night seated was great, but didn’t feel part of the atmosphere as much as on the second night standing amongst the crowd. Feet were killing, but as usual the pain is worth it – was incredibly paranoid of people jumping on my feet!
4. Got a fantastic new Muse shirt with the tour dates on it; luuuuuurvely!
5. Saw the Andrew Gosden volunteers and was given a flyer; very sad.
6. Saw Dom Howard (Muse’s drummer) and Morgan Nicholls (Muse’s unofficial 4th member) standing not 6 feet away from me watching The Big Pink; had to forcibly convince my mum not to call them over and get an autograph, was just too embarrassed, didn’t want her to make a fool out of herself trying to talk to them. Ugh!
7. Thought the stage design was phenomenal, the graphics on the screens were great to watch – loved the nod to the Eurasia treasure hunt! Finally got to see the Feeling Good Wembley graphics properly!
8. Not 100% convinced by Cave on piano – Matt wasn’t wrong when he said it was dodgy!
9. So happy to have heard Nishe live; was never expecting that!
10. Helsinki Jam (or Drum and Bass Jam as the band call it) is absolutely effing epic! I love it so much, only sad it’s not part of a proper song! Loved how Dom got to show off his skillz a bit, spinning around with Chris looking the epitome of cool.
11. These live shows have absolutely rekindled my love for the band.
12. Thought the Sheffield gig was better in terms of set and Bellamy’s outfit – especially his “glam rock wizard” look he was sporting at the start with his funky glasses he tossed into the crowd! But Liverpool was better for atmosphere and singing along half of Time Is Running Out and Plug In Baby with the crowd and Matt being visibly tickled by the crowd singing it without him.
13. Went to see Muse AGAIN for 2 gigs at the O2 Arena in London. First night was fantastic – beyond fantastic we were again at the front and SO close to the stage. The music was fantastic and I soaked up every bit of it – loved having such a clear front view of Bellamy – almost regretted not bringing my camera!
14. Second night in London was awful – arrived late and didn’t get a good standing spot, was pushed and shoved quite a bit and was stuck behind tall people most of the night. Had beer thrown over me (at least I hope it was beer) and the floor was so wet and slippery and literally couldn’t move most of the night as I would have fallen over – it was like walking on ice.
15. Decided I will not stand in the crowd at Muse gigs anymore unless I have to – i.e. at festivals. Seated tickets all the way from now on.
16. I like long drives alone at night – it allows me to believe for a short while that I am free to do what I want and go where I want not having to answer to anyone. At night the roads are so clear it’s quite calming…
17. David Tennant leaving Doctor Who was more emotional than I was expecting! Got really upset in his final scenes with Rose and when he says to himself “I don’t want to go”. 
18. Watched the 2009 Star Trek film on DVD tonight – I had got it for my brother for Christmas. Reminded me how much I love Star Trek and how watching it makes me feel cosy and safe. It reminds me of childhood and feeling like for 45 minutes I could live in this other world I so wish I could be a part of. A world where humanity and compassion are held above everything – because that’s who I am and what I hold dear in myself every day. Being a counsellor is a big part of that… in Star Trek the whole universe seems to believe the same things I do – makes me feel like I’m not so alone.
Just for a little while…
So this is what has been going on with me…
I seem to be able to go quite some time without blogging at all. I think it has a lot to do with the fact my life is very simple and I don’t get out much. If, like me, you spend most weekends at home, alone being bored or trying to ignore the dread of essay hand in dates, you don’t really wrack up many exciting things to blog about, do you.
Even after getting a car I don’t get the chance to use it that much; having the car suddenly helped me to realise how few friends I have, because even though my friends go out quite often none of them think to invite me along. I feel asking would be 1. sad and desperate but mostly 2. putting pressure on them, since they haven’t invited me out with them for quite some time, they clearly don’t want me there. Why would I ask friends I don’t see all that often if I can tag along and go out with them if they have never invited me themselves? That’s just awkward…
But I don’t bemoan my lot in life too much these days, things are going a little more “right” for me now, as I have a placement for my counselling practice – I will be spending Friday mornings tending to the emotionally weak and weary and hopefully helping to make their lives a little better. It will be the first voluntary job I’ve ever done too, so that gives me a slight altruistic buzz – even though I admit, it’s not truly an altruistic pursuit since I’m potentially getting more out of it than my clients through, what I expect will be, a baptism of fire in terms of my learning.
If it wasn’t made obvious already by my saying I bought a car, I also passed my driving test last month – by the skin of my teeth, so my examiner told me, but I passed with 10 minors faults of a maximum of 16. I was apparently in the wrong lane going around a roundabout but I corrected my position and so the examiner let me pass… nice man. So that’s all finally out of the way; I bought a lovely coffee coloured Peugeot 206… observe!
I’m very happy with it, I thought it would be really crappy driving an older car after having the pleasure of a brand new Renault Clio, but it’s actually not too bad. The power steering is what I’m happiest with, knowing that older cars have heavier power steering I wasn’t looking forward to wrestling with the steering wheel to turn corners (driving my mums Ford Mondeo was awful!) but thankfully, its nice, light, and quite nippy so a lot of fun to drive. Just struggling to get used to the biting point of the clutch, it has to be said. I’ve stalled it a fair few times unfortunately… I’m determined to get it right.
Even as I wrote that, I noticed this post suddenly seemed to get chirpy! ha… I’m clearly happy with my car, just wish I had more to do with it. I guess that will all change when I start my placement, which was why I got it in the first place.
I’m also back at uni now; hard at work on my honours degree, hoping that I don’t utterly fail now it’s starting to get more real. While I did quite well in the first year (possibly top of my class with mostly A’s) those grades didn’t count towards the degree, only the second and third year grades make a difference. To be honest, I’ll be happy with a 2.1 which is a few A’s and mostly B’s I think… but I’ve been having weird dreams lately where everyone in the group has done really well and I have D’s… which is a pass, but a God awful pass. Reminds me of the horror of school and pressure to do well from friends, family and tutors.
So yeah, I think things are going ok for me at the moment, so I don’t want to complain too much – small steps for me are probably better after all; I don’t think I would be able to handle a degree, placement, driving, essays, massive social life etc all at once… I would probably just retreat into myself and lock myself in my room watching 25-odd films again. God that was a weird and slightly depressing time last summer. 
I also decided today that as a graduation present I intend to book a holiday to Reykjavik which is in Iceland. I’ve always wanted to go (seriously, Iceland is a cool, cool country – no pun intended) and do a skidoo tour (now I have a driving licence I can actually drive a skidoo myself!) and horse back riding; do a bit of trekking… and last but not least, spend a day at the Blue Lagoon. Ever since I heard about the Geothermal spas in Iceland I’ve wanted to go soooo much – I think graduating from my first ever degree will warrant making that particular dream come true!
If I pass my masters then I’m eyeing this. A working holiday on a tall ship is easily one of my biggest life ambitions. A month at sea on a 100 year old ship? Heaven…
I can’t write any of this on Twitter or Facebook – well, not much anyway, I can’t keep going on about how awful I feel because I don’t think many people care in the first place and my upset outstays it’s welcome pretty quickly with my friends.
I watch film after film to keep my mind off of how I’m feeling; I’ve been sticking to easy-on-the-brain romantic comedies and teen flicks to keep my spirits from dropping so low I end up sobbing and talking to my cat about how much I’ve failed at life…
…yeah… that happened.
I’ve watched 25 films in 3 days. I watch them back to back, non stop and don’t sleep until I’m so completely exhausted I can’t keep my eyes open any longer. There’s this short vicarious thrill of happiness I occasionally feel for a character in a story; these short moments when I forget my life and am solely focused on what happens on the screen – for a little while I don’t feel so alone anymore.
It’ll have to stop soon, things will have to change very soon.
|
Saz |
12:47 pm |
Comments Off
|
I first heard about the game Mass Effect from Wolfe, and I remember thinking I wouldn’t like it because it was a shooter RPG and in my head I was thinking Halo with a plot. Which is weird, because Halo does have a plot… anyway…
After hearing it’s praises sung from every corner, I thought I should get this game, but whaddaya know, it’s Xbox360 only. So I figured, oh well… I’ve missed out there. But a while ago I heard it had also been released on PC–huzzah! So I decided to get my hands on it. Ahem… and that’s all I’ll say about that. 
Originally the game simply wouldn’t work for me, I would run into an error at the “press any key to continue” screen–it simply died the second it had loaded up. 
So I was again resigned to beleiving Mass Effect had slipped by me.
But noes!
I discovered that by reinstalling the game in a new directory it worked–zomg! There I was, customizing my character eager to get into the complex and compelling story I had heard so much about. I’ve really needed something enjoyable to do lately as I’ve been going stir crazy at home sitting about waiting for 1. my driving test and 2. to go back to uni.
Roll on September… 
I have to say, I loved the game–in fact, I loved it so much I completed all 30-odd hours of it within a few days. Bleh… so now it’s all over, all too soon! It was great though for a few reasons though;
1. character creation–yay! I love making a custom character for games, I could sit there for ages doing it on Oblivion too.
2. I was finally able to put my nVidia Gforce 9800 GT through its paces to see what kind of quality graphics I could get out of it. Suffices to say, I had to use the nVidia control panel to force the game into higher quality modes because they weren’t available in game. 
3. Multi-path storyline… woooow, I have certainly never seen a game go this in depth with the concept before. I guess it goes without saying that I never played Knights of the Old Republic–which I believe is similar–but this was just on another level, and fully voice acted. That must have taken eeeeeons to record!
I was originally going to play with a male Commander Shepard because I heard about the blue lady 
scene, and I wasn’t in the mood for hot girl on girl action. But then I read that the female Shepard was voiced by Jennifer Hale who is apparently much, much better than the male Shep so….. argh, backed into a lesbo-bad-voice-acting corner!
So I went with female Shepard. BUT! Thankfully, I was able to avoid lesbian loving in my game. Phew! It seems the blue chick digs bad girls (and boys) and I was playing the goodie goodie as I often do in morality choice games. 
So wanna see my femShep? I wasn’t sure about how I customized her at first, I saw so many others online who were like Space Barbie (the male love interest even looks a bit like Space Ken) so I think I was conscious of trying to make her look the actual part and not like a bleach blonde bimbo with a Joan Rivers lip job.
Click em, though – she looks better in HD! 
I was really happy with her by the end, and am definitely taking her into Mass Effect 2. Which is ANOTHER amazing thing about this game; being able to take your character and all the decisions you made into the next game and have it affect how the next game plays out–how ambitious is that!
So yeah, this is one big advertisement for Mass Effect, isn’t it. If you haven’t played it yet, I emplore you to do so. I even got my brother to install it and play it! Go oooooooooooon do it now!
To me, depression always seems to feel like a succession of good and bad days over which I have no control. I can be happy one day, things are going right, my life is on track – then the next day my mood dips, my energy vanishes and I honestly feel like I’m the lowest scum on Earth and if I disappeared the world wouldn’t miss me; I feel so hopeless that everything just seems too much to tackle. Why try? Just give up, my mind tells me.
On these bad days I try to do things to cheer myself up, remind myself of things that I enjoy and try to talk to people who make me feel better–if I can contact them–but some days, some of the worst days, even a cheesy rom com, a chat with a friend or a blast on the PS3 makes no difference to my mood.
I wish I knew why I felt this way and at what point I decided I couldn’t handle it anymore. I’m sure I’ve always been this way; inept, awkward, lonely. It’s hard to explain how it feels when you’re so alone that theres no one to talk to in the whole world. 6 billion people and no a single word from anywhere. Days doing the same thing; wake up, check email, check websites, stare blankly, wonder what to do with my day, never figure it out, go back to sleep again. I know I’ve pretty much always been this way, but I got on with life before in some way, I managed to ignore it and carry on. Somehow now, it’s managing to cripple me.
I feared this long break would have this effect on me, that I wouldn’t be able to handle all this time alone again. I would need to keep occupied or the bad thoughts just come back – forget it all, give up, go back to being a loner, keep gaining weight, forget about ever having a boyfriend, don’t bother to wash, play games that stop me from feeling, forget your friends they don’t really care about you… forget everyone… forget everything. Just let this dark pit of hopelessness swallow you and let it all go.
I fight these feelings everyday. I go back to college soon… will I be able to put myself back together enough to start again? I don’t know.
Hopefully when I can drive (7th September – whoever reads this please cross your fingers for me) I will be able to take myself out of this room when these feelings come and just go somewhere–anywhere. I think this room, which I used to believe kept me safe from the outside world is more of a prison. A tempting prison, that keeps everything out… but has the nasty side effect of also keeping me in.
I hope I don’t have to go through this again over Christmas… another 2 months break away from normality, and back to my prison where I fight to keep the door open. I sit inside and wait, wondering if next time will I be able to get out again?
Muse finally revealed the cover artwork for their upcoming album ‘The Resistance’. Check it out below…
Seems Muse commissioned La Boca do to this for them. It’s quite beautiful, and the colours are stunning. I love the idea of the lone man and his pathway to Earth; though I wonder what that represents to the band in the context of resisting government corruption? I think it really doesn’t need changing, but I saw a version where someone changed the grey background to black and it got me thinking! I decided to make an edit of my own, and thus I created the following…
Instead of just making the grey section black, I removed it entirely and expanded the starscape to see how that would look. I have to admit, it does look pretty damn nice! I am surprised at myself. The only problem I think is that its too dark, and the colours don’t really strike you as much as they do in the original image. Strangely, it seems my image has garnered some popularity amongst the Muselive.com folk.
I’m excited about this album again now, the fabulous artwork and the new single Uprising–which is absolutely epic–has really stirred my interest again! Now all we have to do is wait until the 13th when the band will be playing some other tracks in a studio which apparently will be made available on the BBC Radio 1 website. Exciting times!
|
Saz |
6:16 pm |
Comments Off
|
Five thousand houses burning down; No-one is gonna save this town
Feeling quite bad today, I don’t feel ill I just don’t feel in a good mood. Feeling generally depressed and angry. These days come and go, and they mostly come when I’m on long breaks. Too much time to contemplate everything. Too much time to realise I don’t really have much of a life. Feel very isolated and punished for every move I make. My mum takes her anger out on me for just about everything that goes wrong and I get so tried; tired of trying to fight back.
I hope I feel better tomorrow… this day has really been shitty. I hate feeling like this, I just want to be given a fair go every morning; as it is I wake up and I’ve done something wrong already. Why I have to be constantly paying for everything all the time? It’s just too much for me–I need a break from being shouted at. I’m not perfect, and the overreactions when I make a mistake is just so over the top it just drives me back into wanting to lock myself in my room and not talk to anyone or see anyone.
Please life, give me a break–just for a while.
This website and its content are property
of Saz
of digital-memoirs.net.
The terms of usage of this blog are highlighted in this 
digital-memoirs© Copyright 2009