It’s been an unexpectedly eventful couple of days. First I should mention it is my birthday tomorrow and for some reason that has felt terribly distant and even as I sit here now typing it, I still don’t fully accept that tomorrow at approximately 12midday I will be 26 years old young!

Triads have been interesting, I feel like I’m finally getting to grips with CBT CPLR. In earlier triads (and pair work) I had just floundered around the person centered approach and even that wasn’t quite right. I was out of practice and it showed. I somehow didn’t quite “get” the CBT aspects of the course straight away like everyone else appeared to–I’m sure that isn’t the case and I should slap myself for submitting to a “congnitive error” but I often felt completely out of place in the CBT lessons, like I had missed something and everyone was way out ahead of me–more skilled and knew exactly what to say.

Carlie is really amazing in the lessons, she knows her stuff even when she says she’s struggling she is still impossibly good at such an early level. I chalk it up to her previous studies on person centred counselling to diploma level; but she could simply be that good! I sometimes wonder if working with her does me any good because even though its great to observe someone who so clearly “gets it”, I think I might flourish better amongst others who demonstrate the same struggles as me? That might not make any sense, come to think of it.

In the last CBT CPLR session I felt I did get quite a lot out of working with Carlie and Mike. Carlie, like I mentioned is very good, while Mike–like me–struggles with similar aspects. When to interject, when to direct, what to ask, how to structure. I found I struggled quite a bit without the script of questions in front of me and it was difficult to remember “this is what I should ask now” with the ABC model. I think it might have something to do with missing a week on the ABC model, so maybe I didn’t have quite the experience with it that others clearly had.

I try not to worry about CBT practice too much since I know I am not going in that direction already, and I will be specialising in person centred in the second year. But I would like to have a good grasp of it, because I do feel aspects of CBT are quite beneficial.

So! I need to study the question structure of CBT CPLR and I need to practice more on focusing on the client rather than on the paper in front of me.

Within myself I think I have issues with embarrasment in the triads. I do feel the creeping fingers of my social anxiety on me when I am in the session, or at least when I start it. Once things get into a swing I feel better but otherwise I do have this overwhelming feeling of ridiculousness and feeling that people are laughing at me. I need to look at this in myself and ask myself why I feel this way when clearly no one is laughing. Everyone is struggling and trying to learn this stuff.

The other big thing that happened for me this week was today, and that was deciding to step up and take up the role of the class representative. As the rep I am asked to attend 2 meetings each semester to discuss issues that the students have and also to feedback the positive aspects of the course, tutors and college thus far. When this was first mentioned to the group–that we would need a class rep–I probably visibly shrunk in my seat. I didn’t want to do it at all and when the issue of distance came into it I felt that there was pressure on me to step up because 1. I don’t have nearly as busy a life as the other students, 2. I live a stone throw away from the college and 3. No one, and I mean NO ONE else wanted to do it. It was a communual reaction of “oh my God please don’t make me, I don’t wanna do it!” It was strange because I thought there would be some people who would be interested in doing this kind of thing. The first person that came to mind was Wendy. She is a Havering counsellor (the political kind) and formal meetings seemed right up her street. She did say she would do it if no one else wanted to, but she felt it was a positive experience that she already had in her life and she felt like someone else should experience that.

Now, that can easily be construed as someone trying to redirect the attention that was so obviously placed on her, but it did get my thinking. This was a positive experience? I could gain something out of this?
I maintained my unwillingness to take up the role however, and still felt quite averse to it. I really really didn’t want to have to speak for the class.

But then for some reason, something clicked. We were sitting in class listening to Mike tell us that it was absolutely essential to have a rep because our voice wouldn’t be heard if we didn’t have one, and still the climate in the room was that of complete refusal. No one at all had even the slightest inkling of wanting to do it. I’m not sure why, but at this point I was reminded of Sohma Yuki in Fruits Basket. A boy who is incredibly popular and loved by everyone but inside himself he is shy and self-critical. He doesn’t have the slightest clue why people like him because he doesn’t even like himself. But he was prepared to learn how to be a better person, someone who could express their feelings and be true to themselves in front of others, and to gain confidence in themsleves and make real, honest friends who knew the real him. To be liked for who he really was. So he threw himself into social situation that terrified him–things he didn’t even want to do just to experience them, and one of the things he did was voulenteer to be class rep.

I had always identified with Yuki, I really saw myself in him and even though I’m not popular I do know what it is to not like what you see when you look in the mirror and I know exactly what it is like to feel that the person everyone sees isn’t who you really are. So I had this overwhelming urge to do it, to voulenteer and step up. I was terrified of doing it, and that’s exactly why I did it. I wanted to challenge myself because people can say again and again that they want to change, but at the end of the day the only one who can do it is you. So I took the risk and put myself out there and I was glad I did it. Something like relief washed over me when I took the role, I had been feeling all day that I wanted to do it and when the opportunity came up, I took it and I couldn’t stop smiling. People seemed so proud of me, especially Jo because I think she understands quite a bit about how tough it is to step out of your comfort zone and challenge yourself.

It feels almost silly to say that I am proud of myself, I saw something terrifiying and I didn’t run away and hide from it, I ran straight at it and I do feel a little nervous but not nearly as much as I thought I would. I can see it happening, feel it happening–I’m changing as a person I’m not as afraid of myself as I have been pretty much all my life. Those 3 days a week, those short hours before walking down that awfully knackering hill back home again–I’m absolutely free to be me. It’s a good feeling.